Welcome to issue #002 of Life by Design. Each week, I share letters to help you create life on your own terms by stacking skills, building systems, and cutting through the noise with clarity. I’ve lived both extremes, scaling companies to millions and sitting in the emptiness of “what now?” What I’ve learned is this: freedom doesn’t come from endless hustle; it comes from having a foundation. Life by design is built on clarity, structure, and aligned action with God. Only then does obsession actually serve you.
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September 18th, Thursday morning ~ at 1 am, I took my sweet girl to the emergency vet.
It was around midnight that I noticed some bloating in her belly.
I monitored it for a bit, called the vet, and kept an eye on her.
She didn’t seem in any pain, just a bit discomfort - how you’d imagine if you had a belly full of gas and needed to toot ya know!
But as I went to bed, she typically lay down beside me.
Instead, she got up and walked out of the room. I followed to see what she was doing.
If you have a pet or child, you can relate to the feeling that when their behaviors and routines change, you know something is up.
Shelay was inside, near the dog door. The energy was low. I opened the sliding door and invited her outside.
She moved slowly, and I took her to the yard. We sat there together, early in the am.
I contemplated whether to take her in the morning and chalk it up to gas. She was a total house hippo/truffle pig after all - she probably ate something she wasn’t supposed to.
As she sits there in the yard, I place my hand on her and close my eyes.
An overwhelmingly clear voice penetrated my thought space, “It’s my time to go home”.
I was in denial - there was no way she was so vital. That just seemed inaccurate.
But I took it as a sign to at least take her to the emergency vet.
I let my fiancé know I was going to take her in. She offered to go, and I assured her it’s okay. I told her to get some rest and that I’d call her if anything came up.
As we arrived at the vet, Q, the veterinarian, said, “Oh yeah, she’s definitely got some distension (bloating). Let’s take a look at whether it’s water or blood” (please, be water, I thought to myself).
Turns out it was blood after all, she ran an ultrasound to see if it was the liver or spleen.
It was a growth within the spleen, most commonly hemangiosarcoma, an aggressive cancer of blood vessels that often ruptures, causing internal bleeding…
Seven hours earlier, she was seemingly just fine, lying outside as we worked out in the yard, soaking up the sun.
Now, within five minutes of being in the vet, I had to decide to do an emergency spleen removal + chemo, which would give her 3-6 months max (fewer than 10% even make it to 6 months). Or let her return home to the Father’s house.
I already knew the answer, she told me while we were outside before going to the vet.
My fiancé arrived within ten minutes and we lay with Milli for the next couple of hours. Knowing she wouldn’t be going home with us.
I am grateful she was not in pain, and we got to be with her.
I am sad that I couldn’t take her home and give her a proper goodbye.
The risk was too high - if she were to asphyxiate on the fluid building up, it would be traumatic for her and everyone involved.
Instead, we got to love her one last time, deeply.
It sucked, it was sad, and we cried hard and a lot…
You see, it’s not death that is sad.
After all, the Buddha once said, "Life is uncertain; death is certain.”
What’s sad or hard is when it’s sudden…
One moment they’re there - and then every moment thereafter…they’re not.
Whereas, other times, if God wills it, we have time as they depart.
But what I learned is that Life By Design is not YOUR design.
We only have so much control. Such as the free will blessed upon us.
The people you surround yourself with, the conversations you tolerate that penetrate your mind-space, the programs you watch, the time you spend scrolling vs being with family or attuning to God - that which is greater than you..
Although sad, I was accepting of the circumstances because God’s design is too grand to be perfect.
The strangest feeling is being away from home, where she usually would be, knowing that when I get home, she’s not there.
Or waking up in the morning, and for a millisecond (get it..Milli-second hehe) forgetting that she’s not right there.
For 2/3rd of my life, I’ve had a being/creature to be responsible for.
This, by far, shaped my Life by Design more than any book, hack, or program.
The responsibility of a living creature (cheers to all the parents).
P.S. Thank you to everyone who reached out, sent flowers, cards, and love for us.
Just to put into perspective how much joy Milli brought to the world.
Here is a breakdown of how much of her content was watched (lol)
Hours: 40,571
Days: 1,690 days and 11 hours
Years: 4 years, 230 days, 11 hours
Imagine watching videos of a dog for 4 years, 230 days, and 11 hours - 24/7 😂 - so wild.
Here is a poem that brought me peace as I grieve my little love nugget.
Gone From My Sight
I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship, at my side, spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says, “There, she is gone.”
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast, hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me - not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, “There, she is gone,”
There are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, “Here she comes!”
And that is dying...
The coolest thing happened the next day as my fiancé and I lay at the spring.
I look up and see the blob of gray cloud. I said to myself - she’s in there.
Then it turned into a heart.
I closed my eyes for a couple of minutes.
And Callie says, “BABE! Look - it’s MIlli!”
And sure enough, there she is, sitting down, holding a heart in the sky.
I love you forever, Milli!
You are forever daddy’s girl.
You’ve prepared me for my wife.
You’ve prepared me to be a father.
While my heart is heavy, my face is swollen, my heart remains full.
p.s. This is not my first write-up on death and dying, if you want to explore the conversation further. Here is another write-up
Do you agree, disagree, or is there something you feel I’m missing? Please tell me - nothing is worse than disagreeing and keeping quiet about it; no change can be made this way.
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